I write this as a strong person in my Lord Jesus. But a day back, though I'm usually strong, I was most vulnerable, frustrated, questioning, crying, sobbing and felt like the whole world was crashing in on me.
Married for 4 years(tomorrow, May 31st- 4th Anniversary), we hoped, prayed and longed for a baby. Some days I've felt miserable without one... when months of anticipation turn out to be just "negatives" after "negatives". Two months back, our hopes and faith was answered and me and my hubby dear was so excited about becoming parents. WE named our baby DANIEL, according to a revealation one of our friends had, regarding his birth. WE took all precautions n did everything the docs asked us to. Then, the 1st scan was done followed by one more in a week's span. The position was right but no signs of a foetal pole. We waited and prayed and now, yesterday we did the 3rd scan to find "no foetal pole". The gyneac said "no signs of a normal pregnancy"... "its a case of blighted ovum"... "there is no chance of any further development or any chance of having a baby now".
Sitting there before her, I thought I was imagining, I hoped it would be nothing more than a dream, I thought I was going mad... I was shattered. I thought I might break up there but I held on somehow. I couldn't even look at my hubby, sitting next to me. I knew he was hurt too. We didn't want to hear this!!
After the doc said about aborting, we replied we will think about it and left. While I was waiting at the hospital lounge, I didn't cry. My husband went to pay off the bill. He came back after a while, and we returned home. By then, I became hard hearted and thoughts like "why me always?"... "Why didn't God answer prayers?"... "am I so bad...?" ...they filled me up and I was lost. I didn't want to talk to my darling and I very rudely asked him not to talk to me when he tried to shift my thoughts.
Back home, I collapsed on the bed and went back on those thoughts and told him that I didn't want to see anyone nor speak to anyone. I didn't want sympathy then. I quit answering my phone. He was calling friends n family for prayers.
My sweetheart came to me and started praying and at that moment I broke... I wept like a kid...sobbing away loudly, hugging my Acha(that's what I call him) so tightly. After the prayer, he asked me "are these tears of faith or sadness?" I replied that I don't have any faith and asked why me always? Why do I have to always take a step of faith to get everything in life? I told him that I've got nothing yet by praying in faith. "how can that be true?" he asked. "wasn't I an answer to the faith you had when God spoke to me about us?" He then sweetly reminded me of all the things God did for us when we prayed in faith. As I listened, I realised that there so many, countless times God worked for us whenever we took a step of faith. Our whole life was just that...and how cud I ever think of all those baseless things i wondered. I realised it was the devil who brought all those thoughts to me. I cried and asked God forgiveness for all my thoughts and words and rebuked the silly thoughts in me. Then, words of wisdom started filling my mind. God my Lord reminded me of my promises and I said Lord, I don't want to give up Daniel. He is yours and I'm just a vessel for him to come into this world. I believe nothing and no one, not even me and my body can take Daniel away from my womb... coz You've placed him there. So I believed, got on my feet and started drawing nourishment from The Word (Bible).
It's amazing, the way Jesus lifts up His children from weary to strong and bold... from dreary to mighty and brave... from faithlessness and weak to full of faith and courage.
I love You, my Lord.
Jehovah Nissi!!!
